I witnessed my friend Will try to kill himself today. Yet, I am still detached. More later after I have given things more thought.
The Song...the Song is...I...Mirror, mirror, on the wall! Show me! Define me! I am the infinite telomerase! I am not an anti-existence! I am the perfect chain!!!
Where the fuck are chicks with high self-esteem? Why do I always attract the ones with low self-esteem? Really though. Every girl I meet has some self-esteem issue. Geez why do we do this to our young ladies that they grow up with such a poor self-image? And why do I attract them? And then I get them all in love with me and stuff, and it just goes bad from there. Yes, I am mean because I say whatever I feel like when I feel I have to say it. Yes, in a perfect world I wish I could do without feelings. Yes, most of the time when someone says they love or like me or say I hurt their feelings or disregarded them, I feel like I'm being manipulated. Yes, I do feel bad when I find out that I have hurt someone's feelings or let them down. Guess what people? That shit fucks me up for long stretches of time because I do not understand at all why they would feel such a way when in fact I know what is there in my heart. The only way to stop it from being so painful is by analyzing shit to pieces (Like I am partly doing now on here, and moreso in my head). So what the fuck what? All I know is there is someone out there that will understand how I function, and how to supply that other half that I can't. So yeah, I will do my thing.
This pain I cause myself spawns from my desire to be loved. I am tying this to Socionics because thus far it has given me a ton of insight into my conscious and unconscious personality. You see I am quite positive that my personality type is ENTp. I have tried all possible types that may fit me; INFp, INTj, ENFp, and INFj. All those mentioned could equally be my real type from the outside. However, the real test comes from the behavior of the unconsious and conscious functions. Unlike MBTI, Socionic states that each of the functions plays a role in ones personality or behavior. My desire to be loved and why it causes pain is tied to functions of being an ENTp.
Socionics says that each personality type has a hidden agenda. This hidden agenda plays a large part in ones bahavior. The hidden agenda is also one of the reasons people are mistyped, or coming up with different results on retakes, taking personality type tests, such as MBTI. Only real type can be decided with an analysis of how one uses each function throughout his or her life. Okay then. . .
The two personality types with the hidden agenda Extraverted Feeling(ethics of emotions) or "to be loved," is ENTp and ESTp. My friend Will is ESTp, but ESTp have it a little better off than ENTp when it comes to this thing ( I will explain in a bit.) The hidden agenda is a weak unconsiouns functions that believes it is strong. It likes to take over the weak, but conscious function, place of least resistance (PoLR) Introverted Feeling (ethics of relationships). The thing about the PoLR is that it knows it is weak and wishes to remain invisible (because it is conscious duh lol). The PoLR is the one place you always try to protect from being looked at or damaged. The problem is the hidden agenda is of the same function as the PoLR but just expressed differently (Introverted or Extraverted). When you are under the influence of your hidden agenda you are dangerously leaving yourself open for attack on your PoLR. When the hidden agenda is closed to being fulfilled, a person will usually do something to throw it all a way sort of speak. Basicly, wanting something and realizing the wanting was better than having. This is all unconsious though.
ENTp and ESTp want to be loved because the PoLR claims that they cannot love. So if one consciously feels he or she cannot love, what does he or she do? An ENTp and ESTp does things to make others love them. What this can evolve into is all sorts of attention seeking bahaviors all the way to manipulation. I am guilty of it all, and still am guilty. What it comes down to is ENTp and ESTp cannot love unless they know they are loved first. ESTp are better at knowing when they are loved because of the their dominant function Extraverted Sensing, which can pick up signs through the senses. ENTp has Extraverted Intuition (intuition of possibilities), which is good for juggling many different possibilites at the same time as if each are valid and real. I would never give up this function, since it sparks my optimism. However, when it comes to hidden agenda and PoLR things, it gets me into so much trouble. How do I know someone likes me when I can see every scenario play out all the same?
The part I hate though, is the past will rewrite itself to fit any one of the scenarios. Only people that are Extraverted Intuition dominant understand what I mean by this from discussion on various Socionics message boards. Therefore, that is why I get so fucking confused, bumbed out, and analytical when something goes astray. It alludes the hell out of me because nothing will add up to what I remember the past being. Yet, I can see how others would think I'm not paying attention to what is going on around me. Like I said, the past gets rewritten. I cannot explain it anymore than that.
I'm just frustrated because this girl I liked, and claimed to like me and wanted to be with me went weird on me. All of a sudden she has someone else she is interested when I spent the day with her. This was after my friend Will and her were texting each other back and forth while I was there. My friend has cheated on his girl before, and I know he can be up to know good. That happens and all of sudden she interested in someone else the same night. I know when shit does not add up. I know it is not worth the time because this girl is probably the type that likes unavailible men, since she was having an affair with a married man. I am in a tight spot because my friend is possibly did this behind my back.
Shit didn't work out. Wasted my god damn time. I'm glad I was talking to another chick though or I would be depressed as hell.
|Your Five Factor Personality Profile|
You have high extroversion.
You are outgoing and engaging, with both strangers and friends.
You truly enjoy being with people and bring energy into any situation.
Enthusiastic and fun, you're the first to say "let's go!"
You have low conscientiousness.
Impulsive and off the wall, you don't take life too seriously.
Unfortunately, you sometimes end up regretting your snap decisions.
Overall, you tend to lack focus, and it's difficult for you to get important things done.
You have medium agreeableness.
You're generally a friendly and trusting person.
But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism.
You get along well with others, as long as they play fair.
You have low neuroticism.
You are very emotionally stable and mentally together.
Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly.
Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure.
Openness to experience:
Your openness to new experiences is high.
In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.
You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.
A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.
I have a new girlfriend/pain-slut. The best parts about it is she is asian and lives down the street from me. Now I just need to find a new job with better hours.
My life is like a damn movie, or Seinfeld episode. Something new each week. Its all good because it makes for interesting stories.
You people can rid yourself of all the humanity you have left! I'm going to keep on being human, living my life how I want. I will never become a machine.
I had me a really strange weekend. It started with Friday, and the funeral of my co-worker. That shit was instense. During the viewing of the body, it was quiet, not a sound, except for the horric screaming of his mother. I do not believe I will ever get that sound out my mind.
That very same night I went to Dave and Busters to chill with this girl. Had a good time, but I got really really drunk. I have no idea how I got home, or made it to work the next day.
Saturday, after work, Will and I hung out. Well long story short. We road trip out to Hagerstown, Maryland at like 12:30 am. The drive is like over an hour long. We hung out with these girls who were drunk out of their mind, and watch Family Guy. My tolerance must be insane because I had two beers, a shot of Tequila, and sipped on a Strawberry Daquari in which Will promptly poured some tequila in. I did not even get buzzed though. I stopped though because in the past week or so I have been drinking a lot more than I would like. I tend to put on this character that drinks a lot, but it's mostly a gimmick. Drinking is expensive too.
Sunday, I talk to Mikkii to find out what time I work on Monday. Mikkii tells me my mom talked to her, and invited her to church. I told Mikkii that is freaking weird. She did not think it was, and was thinking about going. So, whatever. It's a whole can of worms I wish not to discuss right now.
Sunday night, Will and I located a whore house where a whore party was going on. Bad neighborhood too.
Good times though.